Hey Joe, I have feedback for YOU

First of all it is a good idea to come prepared when you give feedback. 

When you ask someone for feedback you wouldn’t want them shouting two sentences of feedback over the hallway just in-between switching rooms and meetings, would you? 

You would want to truly be together. If you are the person receiving feedback, you most likely would want to have time to truly listen to the pieces of feedback you’re being given.

Take a moment to let the feedback sink in, maybe see for yourself if and what emotions come up. 

Take a moment to figure out if you want to ask a clarification question. With that you can leverage that piece of feedback even more. 

And finally, of course, take the time to authentically thank the feedback giver. Feedback is always a present.

You might now want to argue with me about the “is a present” part, do you?

Sometimes we really do not want to hear a certain piece of feedback as it feels hard to hear or digest. That is very human. 

Here are some ways I’ve seen, when we do not want to hear feedback: 

• When we are stressed.
  Under stress, we are not as open for feedback as if we were in more balance. 

• When we are in a hurry or busy.
  Lacking time, we cannot listen as well as if we could with more time. 

• When we are doubting ourselves.
  With loud or doubting voices in our heads, we cannot take in feedback as well as we could in a stance of self-compassion.

All of this is human. All of this can be considered with the timing of a valuable feedback session.

You might now say, this all sounds a bit complicated so you better refrain from asking for specific, relevant and candid feedback at all. 

It is only complicated as long as you have less routine in it. Maybe you know the saying: if it hurts, do it more often! [4][5]

Reduce the difficulty by bringing the pain forward and gain practise in asking for (and giving) useful feedback.

Start small and start today with these five steps:

1. Ask yourself what piece of feedback would be valuable for you right now?
   That is the first piece of feedback you will ask for.

2. Who can you ask for that?
   That is your first feedback giver.

3. What questions do you like your feedback giver to answer?
   This will help the feedback giver to prepare, especially if they (also) don’t have much routine in “feedbacking” so far.

4. Ask the person if they are willing to give you feedback. Propose a time and a place that suits you well and ask if that works for them, too.
   Being proactive usually lowers the bar for the other person. Remember: they are busy as well, they have other work to do and they might be (or at least feel) as inexperienced in feedbacking as you.

5. Have that feedback talk!
   Don't forget to celebrate yourself.

Aim to do it more often as practise reduces the mental strain and increases your efficacy.

For that I suggest you open your calendar right now and make a weekly 10 min appointment with yourself for the next two months. Dedicate these 10 mins to repeat steps 1-4 and set up further small feedback conversations with colleagues or peers. 

Asking for relevant and candid feedback will help you to build a habit - and contribute to a feedback culture in your team, organisation and even beyond.

And don’t forget to talk about it! Your learnings, your seemingly small but intentional steps will inspire other people.

Caring for preparation, the setting and a good timing makes feedback even more valuable - for both parties involved: the feedback giver and the receiving person. 

Your personal routine will make feedback less painful, soon joyful and for sure: useful. 

[1] OSCAR: https://www.mindtools.com/agrk092/the-oskar-coaching-framework
(or original sources: https://sfwork.com/pdf/Coaching%20with%20OSKAR.pdf) 

[2] FeedbackWrap: https://management30.com/practice/feedback-wraps/  

[3] more on NVC https://management30.com/blog/nonviolent-communication/ 

[4] Jez Humble, Continuous Delivery

[5] Martin Fowler, https://martinfowler.com/bliki/FrequencyReducesDifficulty.html